just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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