New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
