atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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