Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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