I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
