haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
