Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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