It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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