I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
