So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
