'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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