no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let's get the cat blown out
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
