If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
