I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
