if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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