I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
