I hate your face
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
