I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's shark week go big or go home
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
