none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
