someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
