People in love make me want to vomit
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
