I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
