There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
