she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Shame - the story of my life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
