These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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