his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
