I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
