I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
