i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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