No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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