I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
