Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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