What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
