she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
