i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
