im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
