dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
