apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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