Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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