I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
