who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
