I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
