So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
