So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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