How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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