well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
