The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
