someone threw a dead crab at me
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
