I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My ATM looks so different sober.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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