He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
