I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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