my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
