i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
