Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize