so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
