I am midnight drunk by noon
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
