Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
