Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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