I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Enjoy the penises
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
