it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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