the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This toilet bowl is my home.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
