Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
